In the environment of the numbing “breaking news” of shootings, crime and attacks, the issue of anger remains an inescapable concern of contemporary life. As a practitioner of mediation, my thoughts turn to the relationship between the genesis of anger and the expression of it: What do we do with our anger when it occurs? Let’s take a closer look.

Anger is an inevitable dimension of human experience. None of us can circumvent the certain experience of anger with the inherent challenge to navigate its various gremlins and impulses.

As an intense emotion, with anger, culture matters. Anger is deeply entwined with culture—the unique beliefs, values, customs, and practices of our family, organization, church, and society. Exploring our culture of origin is a good place to illuminate some of the sources of our anger, our operative values, and our expectations when it occurs in ourselves and others.

In my family of origin, as children and young people, neither my father nor mother ever accepted outbursts of anger, criticism, judgement, negativity, snide remarks, or personal attacks between the ten children. When this inevitably occurred, both of our parents immediately stopped it, asked the person to practice restraint and to, in some cases, asked them to promptly “leave the room” until they could gain composure and practice self-control. Separating us when arguing and calling “time-out” went a long way to cooling us off in the heat of an argument.

Another of their preferred methods was requiring us to write an essay about what happened to create the issue and why. That task was disliked by most of us at the time, but it caused us to reflect on our experience of anger and conflict—and, to express it in a constructive manner. As a long-term outcome of this approach, quite a few of us became keepers of journals as adults and professional writers!

Occasionally, the anger of one or two in such a large family could not be handled by the simple counsel to “work it out with them” which was always the first line of action. The anger had its fiery effect; sometimes quickly spreading into the larger group. In such times, my parents employed a “Cheaper by the Dozen” tactic for dealing with its social dimensions.

Every Monday evening, my parents held a family meeting. An item on the agenda for every meeting was a favorite one: the time for “Complaints!” This was an established forum for bringing forward anything about which you were angry, and, in a civil manner, addressing any conflict that you were having with one or more siblings. Complaint time was not a time for accusation, shaming, or negativity, but for stating your concerns for all to hear and for trying to address these concerns together.

In the wise safe environment of family meetings, conflicts of a wide variety were respectfully, even amicably, settled among us with the support of the other siblings. It was genius to me. I have always thought that “complaints” was not only the most constructive part of the meeting, but the one that most strengthened my sense of being a truly contributing member of our family. It embedded in both “me” and “us” a deep sense of the “we,” built self-efficacy, and strengthened the bond unity as a family.

This approach to dealing with anger and conflict in my family of origin formed in me an “ethic of civility” at an early age and some very key beliefs about anger.

1. Anything that affects one of us—or two–affects us all.
2. Conflict occurs in relationships-not in isolation. As such, it affects the whole “body,” the group, the entire family/community, and the “esprit do corps” (the spirit of the body).
3. The principle of subsidiarity works well, but not always. Going directly to the person involved may be just the ticket to resolution. At times, however, the parties cannot deal on their own with the issues at stake in the argument.
4. Anger has consequences—personal and social; sometimes quite significant.
5. A shift in mindset from the “I” (What do I want? Or need?” to the “we” (What do we want? or need?) is a transformational moment for individuals and groups.
6. Others can support us in understanding and addressing our anger.
7. When we effectively manage our anger, we build core strength in ourselves and in the larger community.

When anger occurs, there are some tactics that work for me.

• Stepping away from the “triggering situation” to “cool off or “Taking a “breather.” In fact: breathing deeply can help you to regain a sense of calm, composure, and “level-headedness” (the ability to think clearly).
• Reflection on experience: journaling, for example, or drawing—or any creative task—can be helpful to internally processing a difficult emotion without “puking your process” (Anne Wilson Shaff) on others.
• Talking with another—someone you trust.
• Moving your body: walk, swim, run, cycle—whatever is your thing! Sweat out the cortisol.
• Prayer, meditation, reading Scripture, or other spiritual practice. As a person of faith, the liberating dimension of prayer is central to finding “my center,” composure and calm-in-the-storm.
• Asking for help from a professional counselor, therapist, or physician. Seeking help is important; especially when exploring any areas of discomfort, stress, or pain that arouses anger in us.
• Engaging a third-party neutral—a mediator or facilitator to accompany those involved in a conflict or dispute through a formal process of resolution.

What do you learn about the sources of anger for you? What have you learned of tactics that work for you?

The intensity of anger can be disconcerting, frustrating, confusing, and upsetting. Discovering constructive ways to work with our anger can be a source of freedom and a true pathway for peace.

If you are interested in the subject of anger, here are a few resources that have been helpful to me in my practice

When Anger Hurts: Quieting the Storm Within (November 1, 2003) by Matthew McKay PhD (Author), Peter D. Rogers PhD (Author), Judith McKay (Author)

The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships (March 25, 2014) by Harriet Lerner (Author)

Living in Process: Basic Truths for Living the Path of the Soul (October 20, 1998) by Anne Wilson Schaef (Author)